…”the last time”…

I finally went back to the gym today after a break of several months and at first it felt good to be there. But that feeling evaporated after I realized that the last time I was there I was with Sheila.

We tried to go to the gym after work, together, a few times a week when she was well. Surprise, surprise. So I had “forgotten” the image of seeing her visually searching for me if she lost track of where I was in the gym. But the memory abruptly came back when I was on a lat pulldown machine and immediately remembered/sensed being on that same machine one time when Sheila was across the room on a treadmill. I remembered seeing her head swivel while those intense blue eyes scanned the room looking for me. As I was recalling the memory I looked up and across the room, in a way hoping to see her there again.

I remember how her face would brighten up when she’d spot me between the equipment, and a big smile would erupt when she finally saw me. She’d usually put her right hand up near her face and wave at me with just her fingers going up and down, sort of the “bye, bye” type of wave.  And then of course I’d smile big too and wave back the same way.

We’d usually reconnect, physically, a few times when transiting between routines. Sometimes I’d stop behind her on the treadmill and gently run my hand over the side of her butt. Then she’s straddle the moving belt and lean down to kiss me. Or if we happened to cross paths I’d embrace her around the waist with one arm, put my other hand on her hip, and she’d put her arms around my shoulder, and we’d say “hi” or just kiss right in the middle of the gym. I was always so pleased that she didn’t have a hang-up about public displays of affection. We’d kiss and embrace in the aisle on airplanes when either of us would stand to go to the bathroom. She was very, very loving and affectionate. We loved touching each other and being in touch with the other. 

So with that flashback at the gym today, and then a song that came on later that Sheila liked, my chest tightened up and I choked up. It happens at the most unexpected times. Just like my friend, Patti from Florida told me on Friday it would. She lost her husband over 20 years ago and it still happens to her.

There have been many “…the last time…” thoughts in the past week. And it just adds to the burden of adjustment. But I don’t want to adjust. I miss her terribly. My hands ache to touch her again.

I finally changed the sheets on the bed today. I considered not putting her pillows back on the bed, but dismissed that thought as soon as it entered. I’ll always put her pillows on the bed.

I took pictures of her desk, her corner of the kitchen counter, her shoes in the hall, her closet, and the small dish of spaghetti she had left in the refrigerator on the 9th.

She intended on eating it when we got back from the cottage – although she really wasn’t one to eat leftovers. But it had started to turn bad – along with the other science experiments in the frig – so it was time for them to go. For some reason that small, curved, greenish glass bowl stood out in importance. Probably because it was the style she always had her apple sauce/cottage cheese in when she sat on the couch.

I’m sitting here writing and playing the Stephen Bishop song (You’ll Always Be My Heart and Soul) crying my eyes out. I was sooo sad today. I putz around the house absently doing busy work, but she’s everywhere. And nowhere.  I drove her car to see if that would help and it didn’t. I talk to her urn. We watched a little football. I try to turn her urn around to always face me, as if she really could be watching what I’m doing. I put Chuckles the dog on top of the urn to brighten her, and me, up. That helped a bit. Kevin, Sheila’s nephew, who stopped by last night for a few hours, initially thought it odd until I explained.

I wear her wedding band on my left pinky finger and every now and then it’ll clink against my band. I touch it a lot. And I wear the “Sheila” purple wristband she had on the day before she passed away. Her body temp was high due to her heart working overtime and the watch and wristband were uncomfortable. So it’s keeping my wristband company.

Tomorrow, I’ll be going to Cici, one of Sheila’s girlfriends, and Joel’s wedding.  It’ll be at 4pm. The same time of day Sheila and I got married. And also on a Sunday, like we did. Fortunately it’s not the same place. If they are even half as happy as Sheila and I were together, then they will have a very rich life. I wish them the very best.